Chapter 14
We cannot choose not to be humans, but instead being a savage is an option.
Liew and I, after all the chaos has passed by, arrive at a big house at noontime. Liew and I didn’t say much during the ride here, we spent almost an hour not knowing one another. There were cop cars rushing in to the scene, but we were far gone already, they couldn’t possibly trace us, I think. Well that’s my opinion anyway. One time, I saw a woman got raped at Block D, not far from Block F. Until now the cops haven’t found the rapist.
So I have low expectations the cops can find us, seems like they wouldn’t by the looks of how calm Liew is driving around out in the open.
Liew parks in front of the big house, not doubt belongs to the big man.
When we get out of the car we are welcomed by the big man himself, half naked, with shorts on looking very leisurely. “What happened?” he asks. “Where’s the other guy?”
“Yap is dead, Bakar.” Liew says to the big man. Big man’s name is Bakar. Bakar. Bakar. Something tells me I’m going to need to remember that.
Liew takes the bag from my hands and throws it to Bakar’s feet. “There’s the freaking package.” I didn’t mention it before, but the bag, it is heavy, you could throw it at a dog, and that dog would die from the weight. I guess when the adrenaline was gushing through my body, it felt easy to lift it, and when Liew took it off my hands that is when I realize how heavy it was.
“Good, good,” he says. “I’m sorry about Yap,” he cuss again, piss blood kiss the dirt, stuff like that. Things guy say when somebody they know just got shot.
And I’m like the blob here, my belly is bloated to the max, I want to puke. I want to get out of here so I say to the big man who is taking out his hand phone dialing a number, “I’ve done the job, and the girls are out of the debt right?”
He turns to me alright, angry like a bull, “Yeah, the girls don’t need to pay the money, they out.” He must be angry that I let one of his boys die, but I don’t give two bird brains, people die, guys like these, why would I care, all I care about is Sybilla, screw these crooks.
I sigh in relief. Whenever I am done with killing time, I come to paradise and tell myself I’m home, I feel no sorrow in my systems. I’m not made of glass, I’m in love, frankly the doves, and they love it when you press your mouth on my skin. No orange clothes, all black.
I don’t think Liew is going to drive back home to my place, so with this all being settled I dismiss myself from their presence, I pull back and then turn away. But before I step out the front yard, Bakar who is on the phone, talking to somebody I don’t know who, yells at me, “Hey kid, you live down at Block F with Katak and his girls, right? The one next to the big highway with the big billboard that has the prime minister’s face, right?”
“Yeah,” I answer not knowing the purpose of his question.
Totally ignoring me after I gave him an answer, he continues speaking to the phone, “Yeah. That is where they might be. That’s all I know. Sorry to hear you got jacked by these punks, Bob.”
Alight that is done.
I move legs to the closest train station. This is tiring, but it is done. Green Day songs starts to play in my head as I walk because this is my morphine, the bass by Mike Dirnt is my Nirvana.
When I enter the train, I collapse on the bench to notice that bits of Yap’s skin is on my boots, disgusting, I rub it off against my boot’s sole. Air stripping, summer air is always in the breeze in this country, are you still sane?
I am filled finally. I know in the beginning what I said, there is something wrong with me. I taste the kill; it is only when I taste the ending of men’s lives that I start to keep hold onto mine. In this train, the struggle is now real. I am not alone now, the hole is full. I don’t feel hollow now, I am real and not transparent and I have gist because of my Goddess, Sybilla. I need her to be alive, to make sure that she is happy.
In this train, I close my eyes, legs cross, I make plan of my usual routine. Going to the cinemas on a warm Saturday morning, maybe the afternoon, highly depends on the mood really, this time I probably won’t watch a movie alone because I’m going to ask Sybilla to come with. I’m going to watch a movie this time to lose myself.
I was wrong. I don’t really know people. Not really, I mean I don’t know myself, how can I possibly another soul?
In this train, as I close my eyes, I fall asleep.
I’m having that dream again.
Burger King. I am a furry bear working a cash registers, all the other animals come ordering a food, and then the skeletal man with his damn business suit comes approaching me, “Your liver please, and make it quick.” Instead of giving his order, I fix him a big fat burger and urge him to take it, but he keeps on insisting that I cut open my body and give him my liver. I don’t know why, but I am defiant now.
“No!” I yell. And then I smack the skull of him. Like the bear I am, I destroy this fool. Maw and maw his bones with my strong teeth, I am the master of my universe. The taste of his bones are bitter salty. I feel all powerful like He Man and Beastmaster, I can feel the strength of a thousand men in me and with I can swallow up any who try to defy me, and I am unafraid of the unknown.
Cross it out, I am indeed homicidal now.
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